Tuesday, August 16, 2011

If only.....

If only I had known… but he never told me.  The signs were there.  But I didn’t see them.  Harry telling me I shouldn’t go to the party…  It was just a party two roommates were having, and all I thought was why me?  I am not the only woman he has a history with.  Besides, Bobby and I never were an "item", just good friends, with occasional benefits.  So I asked Bobby's roommate what was up with all that.  He said "don't worry about it, I  want you to come," and that there was no problem he knew about.
So I went.  Sally was all in my face, saying gee must be nice not to have to wear a bra, I was wearing a bustier...being overly sweet and friendly.   I knew she was jealous, but I had no clue as to why, cuz Bobby and I were just friends.  And I knew he loved her, had been faithful to her, probably for the first time in his life, because he told me about her and how he felt. 
A few weeks later, Bobby's best friend Jonathan asked me if I would ever marry Bobby.  I blithely replied, “I love Bobby to death, but the two of us would be a mistake.  We are both so alike, so wild; we would be on the lam, dead or in jail in a year.  Both of us need an anchor.”  And, while that likely was true, even believing it, knowing it, I would have risked it. 
What I would not risk, was allowing anyone to know, that I would have married him in a New York minute.  Because he was engaged to someone else.  Because I didn’t realize until 25 years later,  that he loved me too…because, he never told me.  


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